Initially, in those first hours, the immediate family is in extreme shock.
They are in a perpetual state of not fully comprehending what’s happened; they are feeling detached, confused, and numb—while scrambling to get the news delivered to other members of the family.
Their brains are on overload. It’s like being suddenly tossed into a washing machine on spin cycle.
At this point, they can’t process a lot of phone calls and texts, except from close friends and family members.
Give them the necessary time and space to process what's just happened.
They may be dealing with detectives, an investigation, organ donation—on top of the traumatic experience of viewing and identifying the remains of their loved one.
Sit tight for a day or two.
Do nothing but pray at this point.
Close friends and clergy may come by the house during this time to be with them, of course, because their comforting presence is invaluable. (A nearby neighbor brought over nourishing soup and fresh fruit that first day. Another close friend brought a large salad—and another gave a wad of cash.)
After a day or two, food in disposable containers, and practical items such as paper plates, toilet paper, tissues, and bottles of water are appreciated. However, in the midst of the turmoil, don’t be offended if they don’t reciprocate with a thank you note for such thoughtful items.
At this point, the family is consumed with funeral and burial decisions, and the last thing on their mind is life’s basic necessities.
If you are taking food, consider foods that promote healing instead of inducing additional stress such as hypertension or high blood sugars.
Examples would be raw vegetable or fresh fruit platters, salads, raw nuts and seeds, and no-salt bean dips or vegetable soups.
Monetary gifts, gift cards, and cards of sympathy are also greatly appreciated. They are suddenly inundated with an avalanche of unplanned expenses; everything from funeral and burial expenses to future crisis-intervention counseling and trauma therapy.
Be sensitive with sharing Bible verses such as Romans 8:28 or Jeremiah 29:11 at this time.
Practical helps such as mowing their lawn, raking leaves, or taking out their trash are also appreciated.
The family is mentally and emotionally overwhelmed and distraught.
They may not have the mental capability to even know what needs to be done.
Don’t be afraid to take initiative and do practical tasks for them—whether they are a close friend or not.
(My husband's brother flew to Indiana from Texas just to mow our lawn while we met with cemetery staff. That practical gesture meant the world to us.)
Refrain from saying, “Call me if you need anything.”
Although the kind intention may be much appreciated, they don’t have the mental fortitude yet to take the initiative to reach out.
If you know details about the death, don’t post anything on social media or send email blasts out until the family is talking publicly about it. Respect the family’s privacy and refrain from the urge to violate this boundary. They may never want to disclose details publicly--and that's okay.
In that first week/month, the family’s routine will be completely out-of-sync.
Sleep habits are severely disrupted.
Everything is upside down in their world.
They may not even be able to comprehend or remember anything that is spoken to them.
Wounds are profound; emotions are raw.
Eventually, several weeks after the funeral is over and life becomes a bit quieter for the family, visit in-person—but call first.
If they don’t answer, take no offense.
They may just need space at that moment. . . or they may be embarrassed how messy their house has become in the aftermath of the tragedy.
They may want company on-down-the-road.
Try again later. Don’t give up on them, even if it’s a year or so later.
If they respond, extend a listening ear without asking a lot of questions.
Silence is okay.
Don’t feel as if you need to fill up the empty space with words. Be silent and just sit with them in their grief. Your presence in invaluable.
And whatever you do, please don’t tell them YOUR grief or trauma story.
They may act interested to be polite, but on the inside, they may be falling apart and can’t handle it.
Younger children appreciate getting breaks away from the chaos and sorrow at home. Offer to involve them in your family’s happenings for a welcome distraction—but not for long periods of time—the familiarity of home is still a place of comfort for them.
Teens oftentimes are uncomfortable with receiving hugs from individuals they don’t know. Be sensitive. It’s better to err on the side of caution than to give an uncomfortable hug from a stranger. Instead, give them some spending money.
Most of all, know that they may suffer for weeks, months, and years to come.
The founder of a national organization that works closely with grieving parents said it takes upwards of eight years or more for parents, especially mothers, to heal from the death of a child.
Never stop reaching out to the family—including the remaining siblings—even if it feels awkward.
And never stop praying for them. (The funeral was just the beginning of a long and complicated healing journey ahead.)
If you don’t know what to say or do, send a thoughtful card, brief note, or gift card in the mail that expresses you are thinking of, and praying for them.
Acts of kindness are invaluable.
Love is what heals a broken heart.
“Love is patient, love is kind. . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
(I Corinthians 13: 4, 7-8)
The following resources are excellent:
Healing Your Traumatized Heart; 100 Practical Ideas After Someone You Love Dies a Sudden, Violent Death by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
CompassionateFriends.org (local chapters of group support nationwide for parents who are grieving the death of a child—no age limit)
Professional counseling with a licensed trauma informed therapist
A local community grief center. (free counseling and group support, as well as lending libraries of trauma informed resources)
[If you’ve experienced the aftermath of a tragic death, please share in the comments below the acts of kindness that helped you get through it and heal.]
Emily Boller, artist, mother, and author of Starved to Obesity, lost 100 pounds more than fifteen years ago by eating an abundance of high-nutrient, plant-rich foods. Today, she’s certified in whole plant nutrition from the Nutritarian Education Institute. She’s on a mission to combine practical, no-nonsense and cost-effective tips—with easy to understand science—in order to help anyone escape the addictive grip of the Standard American Diet. And now, she’s on a mission to bring awareness to the suffocating and potentially deadly trap of eating disorders as well. Unfortunately, she lost her 21-year-old son to suicide in 2012.